I hate to say it, but I’ve been striking out lately. What’s worse, it’s not me being my old self—this is the NEW ‘me’, so the rejection is a bit heavier than it was before. The OLD ‘me’ died recently, when I had my heart kicked in its ass right before my very eyes—several times in one night.

Now, it may have been the alcohol, heightening emotions into something that wasn’t really there, but WHAT THE HELL? It’s fine though, because that was the catalyst, the driving force that set things into motion and created the NEW ‘me’, and for that I am eternally thankful. I just wish it hadn’t hurt so much.

And now I’m about to go off on a tangent about women that might (read: definitely) seem sexist to some people *cough*women*cough*, so if you want to read a watered-down version of my thoughts, stop right here and go to bed. If not, then read on—with an open mind—and you just might learn something.

I hear all sorts of women (besides the happily married variety, of course…which is rare these days) complain about how they can never find a ‘nice’ guy, or the guys they date are always assholes, or they always get cheated on, etc., yet you fail to realize it’s because the guys you choose to date are—let’s face it—mean, asshole cheaters. Now, of course, they aren’t going to advertise that, so they pretend to be ‘nice’ guys, usually until just after they get some, then it’s business as usual—the asshole comes out. And you ladies fall for it EVERY time.

Meanwhile, the real ‘nice’ guys (including yours truly) get left out in the cold for various reasons. Either we’re not “hot” enough—I can’t even tell you how much I fucking hate that; the “hot” guys are always assholes because they have options—they can drop you one day and have an equally attractive woman on their arm within 24 hours, stringing her along with the same bullshit lies that hooked you in the first place.

However, I digress…my point is, you’re suffering from the ‘moth-to-the-flame’ complex, and you keep getting burned. Us ‘nice’ guys aren’t going to be around forever—we can’t stand there, watching you fuck up and letting you cry on our shoulder about it; sooner or later, we’re going to find someone else that has gotten past the complex and sees us for what we really are—the best boyfriend you’ve never had.

Moral of the story: if you’ve been rockin’ the same relationship game plan for years now, and every guy you’ve been with turns out to be a douche, maybe you should consider trading exterior for interior, just once. I mean, I would LOVE to find some supermodel-caliber woman to date, but chances are she’s gonna do me like all the guys do you—take me for everything I’m worth and ditch me as soon as someone slightly better walks by. I’d much rather have true substance over a cheap image.

Oh, and one more thing to ponder—next time you’re talking about asshole guys TO a guy, he’s probably someone you should consider dating, because asshole guys can’t stand listening to women—they’re too busy playing un-dress up with you in their minds.

-J

Silence, Hope, & Everything In Between

It is the silence that enslaves me. Though I hate the mess of a crowd, the fear and uncertainty of being surrounded by so many strangers, my mind is at ease when surrounded. In the silence, my mind wanders, straying from the present and delving deep into my past.

I hate it.

This world is full of such bullshit, for lack of a better term. People cannot understand themselves, much less each other. We lean too much on others to keep ourselves afloat, and in the process bring everyone around us closer to drowning. So I’m letting go of all those around me--my family, my friends, co-workers--to keep them from drowning, and maybe save myself in the process.

This new place in my mind is free; there is no anger, or hatred, or misunderstanding. There is peace. And there is also clarity, something that has long escaped me during my descent into the darkness. But in the here and now, I am, after so long, content. The beginning of anything new is always rough, but I soon hope to describe myself as ‘happy’, without kicking myself in the ass for telling such a bullshit lie.

Here, there is hope. Not just for me, but for everyone.

-J