Word of the Week

Here's a tasty new segment for you: Word of the Week! I know, I know...it's been done to death, but just bear with me on this one. This week's word is: Unexpected.

Because so much UNEXPECTED shit went down this week!

Lets start at currently and work our way back. First of all, I've become a total ladies' man. No, not really, but I'm on my way there. My confidence has gone through the roof as of late, most likely because of all this unexpected shit. A friend got me on this social network site talking to all these ladies, and I met this really awesome girl. We've really hit it off, and I think it has potential, which is a huge leap considering these last few years.

Move a little further back to my health. I've been running a mile nearly every day for the last two weeks after work, working out at home whenever I can, and (at the consideration of several discussions at highexistence) started cold showering, not destroying my hair with shampoo, and Intermittent Fasting--eating only during an 8-hour window and fasting for the other 16 hours. Not only that, but I've also started meditating and REALLY seen progress with my mental health and clarity.

Rewind some more. I'm opening up to people more. I'm trying my best to smile at people, talk to them, just reintegrate myself back into society. I've been gone for so long, but it's time to get back. I guess everything in my life is a 'return' of sorts right now--getting back to the parts that matter, getting back the things I've lost over the years, coming back stronger and better than I was before.

I feel it in my gut, and I keep telling everyone--2012 is going to be my year. The last few have all been bad, but 2011 was the absolute worst. I see it as a test of faith, designed to either make or break me, and to come out on the other end smiling is the single greatest triumph of my life. I'm going to keep moving forward, through the good and bad, far into the happy ending I've yearned for all my life.

I am here. I am alive. I am happy.

Nature vs. Nurture

Nature vs. Nurture--that's a great debate topic, right? Not in my eyes...not anymore.

Most people argue that it's either one or the other: people are influenced and shaped by their nature (genetics) or their nurture (environment). Well, I've got some news for those that like to argue about it until they're blue in the face--you're both right. And you're both wrong.

Why would humans NOT be influenced by both? Yes, our genes shape our physical makeup--weight, height, brain and body functions, and we can definitely turn out a certain way based solely on that. But humans also have the ability to adapt--cognitive thought processes. We can choose to be the way we are, simply because that's the way we are, or we can strive to be more, SO much more, given the right environment and stimulus.

I've been by myself for the last five years--working nights, sleeping during the day, hardly seeing or communicating with any humans at all, outside of my parents and a few close friends--and I had become a self-loathing, overweight, social outcast. I did that to myself, all by myself. That was Nature's shape for me.

But once I discovered Nurture and its possibilities, things are suddenly changing. I've significantly opened up to my friend at work, whom I didn't confide in or reveal much about myself to for the simple fact that I didn't know how to, and his insight and life experience has opened my eyes to all kinds of new ways of thinking and being. His walk of life was drastically different from mine--we pretty much have nothing in common whatsoever--yet we 'click'. He's experienced things I've never even dreamed of, and vice versa.

At the same time, I've discovered an online community of exceptional individuals, who not only think outside the box, but throw the box aside and make a whole new one, just for the sake of doing it. They push the envelope, discuss and debate topics I never even knew existed, and share thoughts and beliefs from ways of life I had never even considered previously. This is Nurture.

Now, as far as the debate goes, Nature forms our body and shape, the vessel through which we experience the world. No doubt it is going to influence how we feel, act, and think throughout our life. Nurture is all around us, and we make the conscious choice to either let it shape us, or ignore it and be who Nature has made us. For some, that's a good thing--an extremely intelligent African American youth growing up in the ghetto will greatly benefit from Nature over Nurture, while a different youth of an average or below average intellect with access to libraries, internet, and education would definitely benefit greater by allowing Nurture to mold him, while letting Nature fall to the wayside.

I've chosen to open my mind to Nurture, in the hopes of rising above the 'default' setting Nature has given me and becoming something truly great, something that I and others can be proud of. It's a choice--an intense, personal choice--to allow Nature or Nurture to guide you through life. Whichever you allow into the driver's seat, just be sure your heart is in agreement, because at the end of the day, it's your life that's affected by it.

I’ve been meaning to write this one for a long while now…it’s something I’ve discovered, pondered, mulled over, and beat with a hammer inside my head for the last few months. It’s such a simple question, but it is SO complicated: why is change so hard?

I’ve always thought that human beings' ability to adapt is what made us the dominate species, but when you take a step back and examine the human condition, more often than not, human beings HATE to change. They’d rather wallow in their own misery, repeat the same mistakes time and time again, and just die before they’ll take the road less traveled and make a change.

I know a lot of people say, in reference to people in bad situations, that there is always a choice, but that’s just something the Haves say to the Have Nots to make themselves feel superior for ‘making it’. Yes, there is always a choice, but it goes deeper than that—you have to have the means to make the other choice if you’re going to make it. That’s what makes it so hard, and that’s why people are so quick to give up and give in—it’s just easier that way.

I’m a perfect example—I’ve been overweight pretty much my whole life. Sometimes I’d get down enough about it to try exercise or watch what I eat, but I never invested wholeheartedly enough to make an impact. And, of course, at the first sign of defeat, I’d turn tail and run right back to my old ways—because that’s what worked for me. Sure, I didn’t like living that way, but at least I didn’t feel like a constant failure (even though I was).

But now, for some reason, a light bulb turned on in my head, and I realized that I don’t want to die at 40 from a heart attack or something like that when it could have been avoided altogether by taking steps now to prevent it. What’s more, I’m finally putting the effort into it, and it is paying off in spades. My clothes fit looser, I can wear clothes I hadn’t been able to wear before, I have energy, I feel good about myself, and all it took was taking an hour out of my day to work towards a goal. Now, I know that further down the road it’ll get much more complicated, but for now I’m on the right track and it feels GREAT.

But it’s hard—it’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There’s always that looming feeling, like ‘what if this stops working’, or ‘how long can I keep this up’ swirling in the back of my mind, but I have to continue forward. I wasn’t happy in my old life, so I have to make changes towards a better one. I know that happiness is in my future, that there is some kind of payoff to all the bullshit I’ve gone through and the drama I’ve struggled with to get this far—it would be too cruel a fate if there wasn’t. I deserve it. I’m worth it. I’m willing to fight for it.

-J

Okay, so maybe my last blog post was a BIT melodramatic. Scratch that—VERY melodramatic. Still, I don’t regret saying it, and I don’t take any of it back. It was an extreme decision that COULD lead to a better life, but I’m not going to take that path.

Not completely.

You see, I’ve been ‘myself’ for twenty-five years; giving up on me now would just be a waste. I am, however, looking at things differently now—when confronted with a situation, I’ll ask myself, ‘what would the old me do? Is that how I want to handle it? What is the exact OPPOSITE then? Is that suitable?’ If it is, I do it. Inhibitions no longer control me.

I’ve been on an insane winning streak lately, and I’m gonna ride this thing out until I crash. Even when that happens, I’ll simply pick myself up and keep right on going. I’ve spent too much time feeling sorry for myself, living helplessly, telling myself that there’s nothing I can do. Screw that—I’m going to fix this. I’m going to fix everything. And if there’s something that can’t be fixed, I’m going to accept it as part of myself.

There are some friendships that never end…it took me a long time to realize that, but I finally get it.

-J

"Why don't you blog anymore?" She asked. Well, the short version is simple--there's nothing good to blog about. I've been put through the ringer these past twelve months, gotten beat down, broken, then rebuilt, only to have the same thing happen all over again. I've been betrayed by someone I should have been able to trust, and she made me bleed for it, too. My heart has been heavy, and I thought I could fix it by shedding a bit of weight, but the truth came to me tonight: I'm not ready. Not at all.

What I had before is GONE, but I can see it--I see her in other people, people that have never even known her. I can feel it--I feel her next to me, though she's never been farther. I can smell it--her scent is strong on strangers; it may be different, but it's familiar. And it hurts so much.

I can't keep doing this--I can't be who I was, because that person is in SO much pain; I have to change everything. I've heard people say that, if you're gonna burn a bridge, you might as well scorch it; I think that's what I'm gonna do, too.

-J

I hate to say it, but I’ve been striking out lately. What’s worse, it’s not me being my old self—this is the NEW ‘me’, so the rejection is a bit heavier than it was before. The OLD ‘me’ died recently, when I had my heart kicked in its ass right before my very eyes—several times in one night.

Now, it may have been the alcohol, heightening emotions into something that wasn’t really there, but WHAT THE HELL? It’s fine though, because that was the catalyst, the driving force that set things into motion and created the NEW ‘me’, and for that I am eternally thankful. I just wish it hadn’t hurt so much.

And now I’m about to go off on a tangent about women that might (read: definitely) seem sexist to some people *cough*women*cough*, so if you want to read a watered-down version of my thoughts, stop right here and go to bed. If not, then read on—with an open mind—and you just might learn something.

I hear all sorts of women (besides the happily married variety, of course…which is rare these days) complain about how they can never find a ‘nice’ guy, or the guys they date are always assholes, or they always get cheated on, etc., yet you fail to realize it’s because the guys you choose to date are—let’s face it—mean, asshole cheaters. Now, of course, they aren’t going to advertise that, so they pretend to be ‘nice’ guys, usually until just after they get some, then it’s business as usual—the asshole comes out. And you ladies fall for it EVERY time.

Meanwhile, the real ‘nice’ guys (including yours truly) get left out in the cold for various reasons. Either we’re not “hot” enough—I can’t even tell you how much I fucking hate that; the “hot” guys are always assholes because they have options—they can drop you one day and have an equally attractive woman on their arm within 24 hours, stringing her along with the same bullshit lies that hooked you in the first place.

However, I digress…my point is, you’re suffering from the ‘moth-to-the-flame’ complex, and you keep getting burned. Us ‘nice’ guys aren’t going to be around forever—we can’t stand there, watching you fuck up and letting you cry on our shoulder about it; sooner or later, we’re going to find someone else that has gotten past the complex and sees us for what we really are—the best boyfriend you’ve never had.

Moral of the story: if you’ve been rockin’ the same relationship game plan for years now, and every guy you’ve been with turns out to be a douche, maybe you should consider trading exterior for interior, just once. I mean, I would LOVE to find some supermodel-caliber woman to date, but chances are she’s gonna do me like all the guys do you—take me for everything I’m worth and ditch me as soon as someone slightly better walks by. I’d much rather have true substance over a cheap image.

Oh, and one more thing to ponder—next time you’re talking about asshole guys TO a guy, he’s probably someone you should consider dating, because asshole guys can’t stand listening to women—they’re too busy playing un-dress up with you in their minds.

-J

Silence, Hope, & Everything In Between

It is the silence that enslaves me. Though I hate the mess of a crowd, the fear and uncertainty of being surrounded by so many strangers, my mind is at ease when surrounded. In the silence, my mind wanders, straying from the present and delving deep into my past.

I hate it.

This world is full of such bullshit, for lack of a better term. People cannot understand themselves, much less each other. We lean too much on others to keep ourselves afloat, and in the process bring everyone around us closer to drowning. So I’m letting go of all those around me--my family, my friends, co-workers--to keep them from drowning, and maybe save myself in the process.

This new place in my mind is free; there is no anger, or hatred, or misunderstanding. There is peace. And there is also clarity, something that has long escaped me during my descent into the darkness. But in the here and now, I am, after so long, content. The beginning of anything new is always rough, but I soon hope to describe myself as ‘happy’, without kicking myself in the ass for telling such a bullshit lie.

Here, there is hope. Not just for me, but for everyone.

-J