I’ve been meaning to write this one for a long while now…it’s something I’ve discovered, pondered, mulled over, and beat with a hammer inside my head for the last few months. It’s such a simple question, but it is SO complicated: why is change so hard?

I’ve always thought that human beings' ability to adapt is what made us the dominate species, but when you take a step back and examine the human condition, more often than not, human beings HATE to change. They’d rather wallow in their own misery, repeat the same mistakes time and time again, and just die before they’ll take the road less traveled and make a change.

I know a lot of people say, in reference to people in bad situations, that there is always a choice, but that’s just something the Haves say to the Have Nots to make themselves feel superior for ‘making it’. Yes, there is always a choice, but it goes deeper than that—you have to have the means to make the other choice if you’re going to make it. That’s what makes it so hard, and that’s why people are so quick to give up and give in—it’s just easier that way.

I’m a perfect example—I’ve been overweight pretty much my whole life. Sometimes I’d get down enough about it to try exercise or watch what I eat, but I never invested wholeheartedly enough to make an impact. And, of course, at the first sign of defeat, I’d turn tail and run right back to my old ways—because that’s what worked for me. Sure, I didn’t like living that way, but at least I didn’t feel like a constant failure (even though I was).

But now, for some reason, a light bulb turned on in my head, and I realized that I don’t want to die at 40 from a heart attack or something like that when it could have been avoided altogether by taking steps now to prevent it. What’s more, I’m finally putting the effort into it, and it is paying off in spades. My clothes fit looser, I can wear clothes I hadn’t been able to wear before, I have energy, I feel good about myself, and all it took was taking an hour out of my day to work towards a goal. Now, I know that further down the road it’ll get much more complicated, but for now I’m on the right track and it feels GREAT.

But it’s hard—it’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There’s always that looming feeling, like ‘what if this stops working’, or ‘how long can I keep this up’ swirling in the back of my mind, but I have to continue forward. I wasn’t happy in my old life, so I have to make changes towards a better one. I know that happiness is in my future, that there is some kind of payoff to all the bullshit I’ve gone through and the drama I’ve struggled with to get this far—it would be too cruel a fate if there wasn’t. I deserve it. I’m worth it. I’m willing to fight for it.

-J

Okay, so maybe my last blog post was a BIT melodramatic. Scratch that—VERY melodramatic. Still, I don’t regret saying it, and I don’t take any of it back. It was an extreme decision that COULD lead to a better life, but I’m not going to take that path.

Not completely.

You see, I’ve been ‘myself’ for twenty-five years; giving up on me now would just be a waste. I am, however, looking at things differently now—when confronted with a situation, I’ll ask myself, ‘what would the old me do? Is that how I want to handle it? What is the exact OPPOSITE then? Is that suitable?’ If it is, I do it. Inhibitions no longer control me.

I’ve been on an insane winning streak lately, and I’m gonna ride this thing out until I crash. Even when that happens, I’ll simply pick myself up and keep right on going. I’ve spent too much time feeling sorry for myself, living helplessly, telling myself that there’s nothing I can do. Screw that—I’m going to fix this. I’m going to fix everything. And if there’s something that can’t be fixed, I’m going to accept it as part of myself.

There are some friendships that never end…it took me a long time to realize that, but I finally get it.

-J

"Why don't you blog anymore?" She asked. Well, the short version is simple--there's nothing good to blog about. I've been put through the ringer these past twelve months, gotten beat down, broken, then rebuilt, only to have the same thing happen all over again. I've been betrayed by someone I should have been able to trust, and she made me bleed for it, too. My heart has been heavy, and I thought I could fix it by shedding a bit of weight, but the truth came to me tonight: I'm not ready. Not at all.

What I had before is GONE, but I can see it--I see her in other people, people that have never even known her. I can feel it--I feel her next to me, though she's never been farther. I can smell it--her scent is strong on strangers; it may be different, but it's familiar. And it hurts so much.

I can't keep doing this--I can't be who I was, because that person is in SO much pain; I have to change everything. I've heard people say that, if you're gonna burn a bridge, you might as well scorch it; I think that's what I'm gonna do, too.

-J